What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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