Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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