I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
