so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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