i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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