Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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