Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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