Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
