Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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