I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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