If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
