just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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