I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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