so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
