Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
