He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The Olympian is in my bed
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
