I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
