I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
