May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
