Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
