I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
