it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
im six kinds of drunk right now
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
