im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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