I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
