They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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