Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Everyone says I win the strip club
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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