I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
