He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
