if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
