and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
