my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
