I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
