just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
