That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
