I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
