two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
