i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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