If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
