4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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