I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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