Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
