sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
