One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
