I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
