I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
