watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
