Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
FUCK WHALES
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
