Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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