That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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