walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
