She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
