I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
