I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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