Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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