i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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