Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
